why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
