So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
