brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
