The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
