My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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