He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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