someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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