I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
