no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
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