it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
