laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
