Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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