There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
this is an emotional support booty call
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
