after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
