She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
