i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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