Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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