Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
