how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Randomize
