She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
