I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
