I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
