Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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