i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
