my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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