It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
