Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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