Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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