did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
