Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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