i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
