Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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