I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
