Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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