i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
