I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
