I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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