I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
