One girl and one boy is just not enough.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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