i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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