I just saw a hot homeless man
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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