So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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