I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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