Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
