If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
