I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
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