I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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