I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
