"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
