I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
