you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
