They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
