It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
